Well, a year and change. I just spent all of 10 minutes reviewing what I had written here before as was sort of astounded by how far I have not come. I am still struggling with creating and utilizing a support network, I am still struggling with how much to close off certain past relationships and I am still without any significant faith to speak of.
How depressing is that? That in a year's time I have not found the time to adequately process and address those issues? Granted, I have closed more doors and am actually really close to just sayig "To hell with this, I don't need the negative energy these people bring to my life", as it seems the cons of hanging on to past relationships threatens to overwell the pros. Additionally, I am getting better at least attempting to ask for help. It just still tends to freak out other people. I suppose I am supposed to be the one who has their shit together (how scary is that?). And the faith thing bothers me less, just through time I suppose. People just turned out to be not as cool as I wanted them to be, and there it is.
On the other hand, I graduate in May. I'm writing professionally. My grades have been improving. I bought a new car and am planning for my future. That counts as something, right?
A man in my building hit on me in the elevator. He mentioned he was a lawyer and while trying to make small talk, I mentioned a good friend of mine was as well, however he didn't technically work in law but rather for a firm that found placements for lawyers. And the man said:
"Well, that's the great thing about a Juris Doctorate. You don't have to practice law."
Juris Doctorate? I know it's technically the correct terminology, but as most people just say "law degree", it smacked of egotism to my ears.
He asked me out for coffee, and I attempted to politely decline with a simple "As a full time student who works as many hours as I do, I really am quite busy and don't have much time, thank you" and he responded with "Well, you have to take some time for yourself...all work and no play, right?"
And I thought to myself "Having coffee with you would not be taking time for myself. Jackwipe."
But I said nothing, and accepted his business card, his personal numbers scrawled on the back.
It is not a well known fact that I occassionally pull out a deck of tarot cards and throw a spread. Goddess deck (because, honestly, if I needed help, who do you think I would go to? Zeus or Aphrodite? Of course, the atheist I am quickly becoming would probably say neither, but we'll leave that off for now) and it's usually a celtic cross spread (for obvious reasons).
Last night, my final outcome card said I would regain faith.
My first thought? "Doubt it". That's the sticky thing about faith, huh? When it's gone, you can't really believe it's coming back.
What is the right moment to walk away? To not only end the chapter, but to close the entire book?
My mom asked me for some advice today - which is not terribly unusual - and I did the best I could. But it had a lot to do with the end of relationships and how to handle them. I don't exactly have a very good track record with that myself. It seems I have two modes of dealing with an ex. Cutting all ties or having a rocky and uneasy friendship like thing. I am not sure which is option is better - because there are pros and cons to each.
I am sure those aren't the only two options in existance. Just the only two I have ever used, with...questionable results. And it just so happens that lately, that has been an area of reevaluation in my life. Should I close those books? Have I held back from doing so out of my own neurotic fear? Or would I regret walking away later on? I hate this sort of double guessing. But these days I am much better at taking a few deep breaths and waiting to see a little longer. Back a few years ago I would have thrown my hands up in frustration and gone with whatever was screaming at me the loudest at that moment in time. Results were, again, questionable.
So when do you walk away? When have you lost too much faith to keep going forward? When is it time to look for a new path?
I was reading Fullmoon's most recent entry - which was also a convenient way to get my horoscope, as we are the same sign. It said this:
"TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Perhaps you rarely consider the possible damage caused by pandering to the social custom of reporting 'everything's just fine' when, in fact, it isn't. 'Fine' is the blandest of descriptor terms, providing an answer to an interested party that tells 'em absolutely nothing about what's going on with you. It's merely a perfunctory offering of insubstantial content, like a slightly friendly wave across the street to a neighbor whose name you still haven't bothered to ask. This isn't such a big deal, unless you're interacting with a person you think of as legitimately meaningful in your life as a good friend, close confidante or romantic interest. Then, your little white lie of omission—telling someone you're 'just fine' when there's some more specific feeling you're experiencing—stands as a glaring blockade to the very relationships that exist to support you in moments of disorderly emotion. It's akin to sharing only the most squeaky-clean details of your life with, say, your grandmother, to maintain a highly guarded (and sanitized) image of yourself. Except the difference is that your friends know (and care) that you're withholding something juicy… and your mistrustful gesture of feigning 'fineness' (whatever that's supposed to be) serves to keep them at arm's length. So you're still going through whatever you're going through and you're doing it without help. Why? Because you didn't just present a more honest report on how you're doing to people who genuinely care."
And I don't want to recount her whole entry, because you should really read it yourself, but the basics are that she said there are times when your support system of friends needs a break and needs to hear you are Just Fine. It's a manner of picking your obstacles - the ones you can get over yourself and the ones you do need help for - in order to maintain your realtionships. And I certainly agree with that.
A few years back, my good friend Nora said I was just like her husband and that was why he and I got along so well. We were both the type of people who could be sinking up to our necks in quicksand, but rather than call for help, we would trade sarcastic quips with each each other until the end. It's true. At least it was, until recently.
So, let me ask you this. What happens when the person who doesn't like to ask for help finally asks for help...and is refused?
